my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
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