sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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