my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
