a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize
