I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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