I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
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