Sober January is a disaster.
sarcasm needs its own font
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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