Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
