Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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