This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
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