I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
You need a sexual gate keeper
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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