i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
