I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
