when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
