cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
