I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
