i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
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