Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
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