I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
