We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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