You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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