Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Randomize
