im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
