Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize
