thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
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