im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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