my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
