Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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