You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
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