I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
You may now shotgun with the bride
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
