im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
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