the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
so let's talk penis.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
