my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
