listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
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