Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
