My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
