none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Randomize
