He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
