My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
