yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
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