I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
