god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I party with great urgency now.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
