My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
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