I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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