dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
