my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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