its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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