I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize