My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Randomize
