i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
