Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
