You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
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