mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Randomize
