let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Randomize
