HIV tests are more positive than that guy
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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