She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
