I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Randomize
