No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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