we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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