He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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