There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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