We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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