Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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