if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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